Monday, December 15, 2008

I don't regret this, but I felt stupid.

We have known each other for almost 20 years, but yet I don't really know him. For the 20 years, we have many short stories that to me is like a sequence novel.

First time I knew him, I was 13. He was 17.
He was my first crush, if not love.
I was crazy over him, just like a 13-year old girl, who is trying to understnad her own feelings and physicals changes. I was his loyal and crazy secret admire for almost 1/2 a year before I decided to reveal myself, just before he left the school. After he left school, we kept in touch through phone calls and became sort of friends, after a while before he went-off to UTM.
Then. I never heard from him anymore.

A couple of years past by. I received a letter from Johor. An apology letter for not being heard for so long. I was cherished by the letter. For few years, we kept in touch through letters. There was no single week that I missed his letter. The plain friendship has evolved into some kind of relationship. But all the years I thought he was in Skudai, later I know he was kicked-out from UTM and he got a place at UiTM Segamat. I felt cheated but was willing to apologize because I thought that he might feel embarassed and kept it as a secret. I think it is just a natural action for a 16-year old teenager that is looking for love.

I entered Uniten. We still kept in touch through letters (or love letters???)
Until he finished his Diploma and continued his study in Shah Alam. I really wished that we had time to secure the relationship. Since I stayed in hostel, it was me who had to made efforts to call him at his rented house in Shah Alam. But I started to feel something was not right when he always gave excuses to meet me. Finally, I received a break-off letter. All this while I was just a sister to him. I realized that he never treated me like a sister, nor a friend, nor a girlfriend. I probably just a girl who was a filler in his life.

A couple of years passed by. I couldn't remember how it started. Was it him or was it me. This time was a reunion between old friends. We had fun going out together and did 'bengong' stuffs. That time we were both in a relationship with somebody else. And I never hope anything from him. But it was not long before his girlfriend found out about us and couldn't accept our friendship. I didn't blame him or her because later was informed that they were getting married. But I never got the invitation. But I couldn't be bother. I gues it just that we were not destined to be together.

2 weeks ago, 8 years later.
I was feeling sleepy and the office was so boring. I got a call from a very familiar voice, but afraid that it could be a mistake. But it was real. He called me, after getting my contact details from the Internet. I do not blame the government for putting my details over the world-wide-web, but I am curious why in the world that he searched for me over the Internet. All of the sudden, all the memories are coming back to my concious mind. And now I have different view about him altogether. It hurts. I hate him. I felt cheated. For the past years, I was humiliated, and I just realized about it now. How can that be?

Bumping into him at the shopping mall is the last thing that I want to do / wish in my life. What more getting a phone call.... it was next to impossible, if it is not impossible. Could he "buang tebiat"? but I certainly hope that he's not bringing bad luck into my life.

But I have to admit, that I never ever felt crazier over a man than this man. I met him, feeling crush, fallen in love, dreaming about him nights after nights, trying hard to win his heart, hoping hard that he would love me in return. But all I got was false hope. And I realized that I hardly know him. Too many secrets, too many excuses. I just realized that I was clinging on a fake relationship, non-sincere and dishonest.

And this time, I will never repeat the mistake again.

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